I fired the missiles at the exhaust port then yanked on the reins of the goats that were pulling my sleigh, steering them up and away from the trench (goats being the sleigh-pullers of choice due to their magic-corn-induced ability to fly in space, not because of their association with certain dark lords). They flew hard, keeping us just inches ahead of the debris from the explosion of the Christmas Star. It was a direct hit! We had destroyed the Christmas Star!
We knew it was just one battle—a minor setback for an enormous holiday—that another star would almost certainly be built. But, still, we flew back to our secret outpost and had a ridiculously ornate awards ceremony at an ancient, abandoned, pagan temple. As the Princess slipped a medal around my neck, I swelled with pride. I thought, “Take that, Christmas!!”
* * *
Many years have passed since that first assault on the Christmas Star. I won’t detail all that has happened in the time since, only say that I am a changed man. Now my days of rebellion are behind me. Still, ever a mercenary at heart, it only makes sense to go where the money is. And the real money is on the side of Christmas.
Plus, all I have to do on this side of the war is sit around and whine and complain that people are attacking Christmas, despite the fact that it is ever-present from early October until sometime in January. But as a white, American male, that is my birthright—to complain that traditional values are coming under attack, just because there are people in this county who don’t do the things that I do, and fail to honor my traditions while I berate theirs.
Take that, Christmas, indeed.